by David L. Updike
“[Musk] said he had not seen Unsworth—whom he dismissed as ‘this British expat guy who lives in Thailand’—during his brief guided tour of the cave system and suggested that, therefore, Unsworth had not actually participated in the rescue operation. . . . ‘Sorry pedo guy, you really did ask for it,’ Musk wrote, clarifying in a follow-up tweet that he meant ‘the Brit expat diver’ was a pedophile.” —“Thai cave rescuer considers suing Elon Musk over deleted ‘pedo’ tweets,” by Avi Selk, Washington Post, July 16, 2018
Referring to the #MeToo movement as “a bunch of pussy-hatted harpies,” Elon Musk today unveiled his own solution to the problem of sexual harassment in the workplace. The BroClip, a tie pin that detects signs of sexual arousal and injects a powerful cocktail of libido-suppressing drugs into the bloodstream of the wearer, comes in a variety of styles to suit individual taste and position on the corporate ladder. Though Musk thinks it should be required attire for men at Fortune 500 companies, he added: “My guess is it will be deployed a lot less often than these ladies think.” A prototype has already been produced, and Musk said that the retail model would be available in 2020, or perhaps 2025, but definitely 2029 at the latest.
Calling Black Lives Matter “well-meaning but ineffectual,” Elon Musk today released a product he says will fundamentally alter the relationship between law enforcement and the African American community. It comes in the form of a patented fragrance called “Privilege,” which combines the scents of money, mayonnaise, and Lemon Pledge with a proprietary formula that causes temporary colorblindness. Available in perfume, cologne, and aftershave, Privilege is designed to confuse police and defuse potentially tense encounters, including traffic stops, sidewalk patdowns, and poolside altercations. “You’ll be amazed at how fast you can get from ‘Hands where I can see them!’ to ‘How may I assist you, sir?’ when wearing it,” said Musk.
At a press conference today, Elon Musk revealed his plan for peace in the Middle East. Shrugging off more than a half-century of failed efforts to bring stability to the region—including those, most recently, of Wunderkind and First Son-in-Law Jared Kushner—Musk told Israelis and Palestinians alike to begin preparing for a new era of friendship and cooperation based upon shared interests. “No longer will murderous Palestinians and greedy Israeli settlers have to scrabble endlessly over worthless parcels of desert,” said Musk. Instead, under Musk’s plan they will join forces in producing enough Tesla Model 3 automobiles to fulfill the enormous backlog of orders for the plug-in vehicles. Musk announced that he would build production plants throughout the occupied territories with the aim of employing every man, woman, and child in the region. Workers will be paid in Tesla shares, which Musk said were likely to quadruple by 2027, or 2035 at the latest.
Elon Musk today said he knows exactly what’s wrong with your life and intends to fix it. Expect a call within the next few days in which he will offer a detailed assessment of your personal weaknesses, poor decision-making skills, ill-advised relationships, and stalled life goals, along with foolproof solutions for resolving each of these critical areas of failure. “Face it, you’ve been doing a pretty piss-poor job of managing things on your own,” said Musk. “Luckily, the answers are glaringly obvious to anyone with a superior intellect and an inkling of common sense.” He added that you are of course welcome to follow his advice or not, but acknowledged that you probably wouldn’t “because, basically, you’re a loser.”